Bad Parent

Article by Irina McGrath

I experienced my first “I am not such a good mom” moment crossing the street in San Francisco when stroller’s wheel got caught on something and stroller fell to the side with the baby in it. Don’t worry, nothing happened to the baby but at that moment, the whole world stopped. I remember getting everything back together when I noticed that no one was moving, all the eyes were on me. I could hear their thoughts “She should have been more aware”, “I can’t believe she did that, poor kid”, “What’s wrong with her? Why is she not paying attention?” etc. I blushed and continued my way home feeling guilty that my baby had to kiss the asphalt in the middle of the street in front of many people.
We live in a society where we love labeling everything, from products, foods, government, events, weather and people including our children. Everything has a value on it, it’s either good or it’s bad. As we communicate with others, our conversations are based on placing value on things. I didn’t like this driver, I really enjoy the weather etc and we are not shy to place our judgments on people. Just look at the tabloids and magazines talking about celebrities, our nation thrives on judgment. It brings me to the topic of this article, being a bad mother. After all being a “bad” mother is the worst crime you can commit.

Over the years I witnessed many mothers feeling guilty, having the feeling of "being a bad mother" and questioning themselves if they are doing the "right" thing or not.I remember growing up I was always taught that being a mother is the most responsible and serious job of all. When you are a mother, there is no room for mistakes, no space for failure.You have to be ON at all times; don’t even bother to think about yourself and try to have fun. I was taught that when you have a baby, you no longer matter and you are expected to do everything perfectly. As our family, culture and society places the expectations upon us as parents, often we feel compelled to meet these unreasonable demands and expectations to be the perfect parent and we struggle. The game changes from having fun and enjoying the space of motherhood to a challenge. It’s not unusual to hear how hard being a parent is. I hear moms and dads talk about how hard it is to be a parent all the time at the playgrounds. Being a mommy turns into effort and becomes hard work. Rather then BEING, we are DOING. We try to fit in within the cultural and social demands and expectations; our babies must behave at all times, they are not allowed to be loud, they are supposed to share their toys, no tantrums (especially in the public); we have to make sure they don’t get dirty and the list goes on. Of course children do all of that especially in public and they “humiliate the parent”. Am I a bad parent because I don’t respond to my child’s every cry? Am I a bad mother because I allow her to scream as loud as she can? Am I a bad mother because I allow her to run around and explore and be wild and be fearless? Am I a bad mother because I don’t believe in flu shots? Am I a bad mother because I laugh (as I am taking her away from the crime scene) when my daughter tries to open other kid's presents or when she fights over a toy?
A friend of mine referred me to her friend to come for a clairvoyant reading and got a surprising answer. Her friend remembered me and my “wild” child from an event and her respond was that she can’t go to someone who is a bad mother. “Her child was running everywhere and she was out of control, that’s not how children behave in my family” was her response. She saw me as a bad mother and because I am a “bad” mother, I can’t be a professional.
I am also aware that there are many parents who don’t take care of their children, who do not love, who deserve to stay away from their children but I am talking about our own self inflicted judgments about ourselves and what kind of parents we are supposed to be.
How about a parent who is present and who is capable of laughing when his child makes a scene in the street, how about a parent who understands that other people’s opinion doesn’t matter, a parent who knows that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is only you and what’s happening within your inner world. If you think you are not doing such a good job being a parent, look within and find the voice. Perhaps, you are simply trying to please everyone and you are trying fit within cultural expectations and perhaps, you are being hard on yourself. Sometimes, you will lose your temper and that’s OK, sometimes you will lose your patience and that’s OK, sometimes you will want to run away from your children and that’s OK, sometimes you will miss your child so much that when you see her next time, you will hold her tight until she runs away from you, sometimes, you would want to spend all day with your children and it wouldn't be enough.
We simply do our best and we are simply human.